This is post four, and the last part of a story about Relationship with Self for a series on Biblical Relationships. The final post, tomorrow's, will be an interview with my mom. This story is about my childhood struggle with my gender. Picking up from yesterday:

My identity crisis, even from a young age, was wrapped up not in abuse or poor role models or absent parents or exposure to the wrong media, but rather in an innate understanding of how wretched I was apart from Christ, in trying to have a happy identity apart from Him. My struggle with my gender was not a struggle with sexual sin, but a struggle with the very nature of sin within me.

I would haven't put it in so many words at a young age-- I lacked the understanding, even if the teaching about sin and Christ's sacrifice was always around me. I just knew I hated myself and my gender was the biggest part of me to hate-- so I assumed that it must be the reason I was miserable. Jeremiah 17 says "the heart is deceitful above all else." And my heart was confused without the understanding that comes from the grace of God.

I didn't know what I wanted or needed, but my parents swinging to one extreme or another would have been disastrous for me. If they had tried to repress every un-girly desire or if they had indulged every whim, it would have gotten me into a confusing mess for years. I needed the grace of God to stop fleeing from who He had made me as an entire person, to recognize those parts of myself that I hated were not my "girl parts," but my sinful tendencies that kept me from Him. Those parts that were truly making me miserable were the very parts that He actually did want to change, to work a new creation. I didn't need a penis; I needed a Savior. I'm thankful beyond words that He found me and I found Him and for the life I have today.

This is part of my story. This was a lot of my childhood. What's yours? Have you ever confused your sinful nature with some other part of you? Is it corrupting or marring or skewing your relationship with self?

Tomorrow, the interview!


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This is part of a two week series on Biblical Relationships that I'm doing with a network of bloggers! Check out their daily (or almost-daily!) posts on Biblical Relationships at these links!