So, this is my attempt at blogging. Again. It's partly because I've been thinking about a lot lately, partly because I just need to be more disciplined as a writer. The verse on the banner is one of my favorites and I think it sums up pretty well the width and breadth of the human search for meaning-- we have eternity set in our hearts and we can't get away from it. It drove me to the Cross and to Christ, and if it hasn't for you yet, keep searching. God will be found by those who seek Him.

And I'll launch now into my thoughts.

Today, after church and lunch with some friends, my husband and I were sitting on our couch. I was leaning against him and his arm was around me and I knew he was falling asleep. I was torn because my mind was racing. The school week, with all of my nineteen hours and homework involved in that, will start again tomorrow. Sunday is the last chance I have during the weekend to go grocery shopping, clean, do any laundry, menu plan, etc. etc.. I enjoy doing those things (most of the time). I also enjoy sitting on the couch with Adam. I knew he enjoyed sitting there with me.

I really wanted to get up, though, and just start working. In a way, I could even justify it because they are things I've committed to doing as a wife. They're part of what I understand my role as a wife to be and I like that definition; I don't feel enslaved by it. But despite all those things brewing in my head, I knew I just needed to sit there and relax a wife. And enjoy that part of it, too (I usually do!). So today, fortunately, I stayed put and took a nap. It was nice.

Unfortunately, I'm not always that patient and don't act with as much wisdom. I've only been married five and a half months and there are already times when, much like in my relationship with Christ, I've been too much of a Martha and not enough of a Mary for my husband. He's a very gracious, forgiving person, and I'm very blessed in that, but I don't want to fall into the trap of taking advantage of his easy-going, quiet nature.

At nearly six months, this is a balancing act I'm pretty sure I'll be working on throughout my marriage. To those of you who are unmarried and thinking, "I'd give anything to just fall asleep on the couch with a spouse," hold on to that. And then remember it. I was thinking it once, too. But it can be hard (not impossible, though) to stay put when you're comfortable with that other person and see them every day.

I sometimes feel like the line of a Gillian Welch song, "Look At Miss Ohio." The line, a refrain in the song, is: "I wanna do right but not right now." I love my husband and I'm thankful for all the ways that God has provided for us. But sometimes, I don't feel like washing the dishes or cleaning the bathroom and other times, I don't feel like staying put on the couch and just being a comfort to my husband. I get mixed up and start to think I should do those things when I feel like doing them, which often means I'm ready to go when I should rest and ready to rest when I should go.

In my devotions today, I read Numbers 9 and journaled about a particular verse. This one:

"Whether the cloud stayed over the tabernacle for two days or a month or a year, the Israelites would remain in camp and not set out; but when it lifted, they would set out." (Nu. 9:22, NIV; Read in context here.)

I didn't understand why it stood out to me so much and it scared me a little at first because I'm used to seeing everything on BIG terms. The cloud moving meant to me, at first, that I should follow God in big things. And I should. But I'm gradually realizing that for me right now, it also means acting at the right time in the little things. It's maybe ironic that one of my favorite verses is the banner verse from Ecclesiastes, but I rarely pay attention to the rest of the chapter, which opens with the famous "Time for everything..." poem. After that, in v.17, it says,

"I thought in my heart,
'God will bring to judgment
both the righteous and the wicked,
for there will be a time for every activity,
a time for every deed.

This blog is part of addressing my biggest problem right now: Discipline. I told a friend a few weeks ago that the thing I seem to struggle with the most right now is laziness. And when I let it rule me, it poisons everything I do; I menu plan during the precious hours my husband is home and I could be enjoying his company, I put off menu-planning when I have the hours ahead of me to work. And I tend to think that laziness isn't just not doing anything, but it's the lack of self-control that makes you think you can do the things you need to do whenever you feel like doing them (i.e., in the future, leading to panicked work and the loss of enjoying important moments).

So, here's to discipline and finding some beauty in that sink full of dishes or the arm of a husband.

The NIV translation of the banner verse says "God makes everything beautiful in its time," and perhaps the right time is part of what makes everything beautiful.