A few weeks ago, my mom was holding one of the twins and said, "It's so strange that babies need to eat every two hours. I wonder why God designed us that way?"
"The baby screams himself into fits for a forbidden plaything, and the mother says, ‘He has such a strong will.’ The little fellow of three stands roaring in the street, and will neither go hither nor thither with his nurse, because ‘he has such a strong will.’ He will rule the sports of the nursery, will monopolise his sisters’ playthings, all because of this ‘strong will.’ ...
"But, all the time, nobody perceives that it is the mere want of will that is the matter with the child" (Vol. 1, p. 320).
Yep, that's me. My boys, too, actually. We suffer from an extreme "want of will." In my boys, it's innocent-- they are too young to understand, to know better, to act otherwise. In me, it's a sin. James 4:17 is pretty clear on that point. ("If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them.")
When it's been three hours and my boys are shrieking and I tell one of them, "Just be patient, I'm getting your brother," and he doesn't stop crying to just be patient and wait for me to get his brother, its because he lacks the understanding or the ability to will himself to stop crying. I'll keep saying it, anyway, because it's something to say and I think just talking to them calmly helps some. No problem, though; he's not doing anything wrong.
But when I hesitate to stop watching something or refresh Facebook fifteen times instead of reading some scripture in the morning, when I search aimlessly for stuff on amazon.com instead of vacuuming my living room, it's because I'm acting weak-willed. I'm not willing myself to choose the right thing when I know what the right thing is.
Sometimes, it's not even a matter of content with my entertainment. Sometimes, it's just a matter of quantity. And let me tell you: I left the computer alone for a good part of yesterday and actually cleaned half of my apartment really well, and at the end of the day, I knew I had done some real work, and really enjoyed sitting down to read some of a Hardy Boys book (it's my quick-read before I start on something bigger again).
So, this post feels like it's been a bit of a mess because it's just been all over the place, but I guess I had more on my mind and heart than I realized. To sum it all up: I know when I will myself to choose the right thing, I'm a happier person, even if it's the harder thing. Whether that's doing the dishes (which I'm about to go do), reading some of the Word instead of some statuses, or being more discerning about my TV viewing, I know on the other side of it I've had a better "meal." When I let my flesh rule my life, I'm about as miserable as a toddler without a schedule.
And living like that isn't good for me, makes me less useful to God, and hurts my husband and my sons.
Thanks be to God for His grace. :) Tomorrow is a new day and "the Spirit himself intercedes for us...in accordance with the will of God" (Romans 8:26-28). He works all things for good and has made, will make, everything beautiful. And that encourages me, even when I know I'm a mess.
Posted by swissarmymama
3 Comment(s)
- Covenant Cemetery Services said...
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I can really relate to this. I've struggled for many years with thinking I am lazy, but whenever work presented itself I'd be willing to work hard and long hours, which confused me. I recently realized that what I am is undisciplined.
I don't know if it helps you any, but I've found that creating a routine of little things that I must do strengthen my will, like lifting little weights. For example, I read something edifying in the morning and scripture and pray. I started out just reading something, anything, then worked up to a chapter, then a devotion and a chapter... etc. I decided I needed to do some exercise every day so I started on a single pushup. Just something to exercise my will.
I've been backsliding a lot lately -- holidays always test my will and ruin my schedule, but I am also able to see that a disciplined life a free life, much freer than an undisciplined life. Which is interesting because I struggle with a legalistic streak and so to "fight it" I did everything spontaneously, and it took me a long time to realize that this solution wasn't any better than the problem from before.
Good night. :)
HDG - 12/4/10, 12:19 AM
- Kathleen Guire said...
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Audrey, great post! We need to be washed by the water of the Word, often. I find myself being weak-willed in that area when I don't feel well when is when I need the Word the most.
You are doing a great job!
Keep writing! - 12/4/10, 6:46 PM
- Selena said...
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Audrey,
It is amazing how we don't see ourselves the way others see us. (I think you are amazing!)
Thank you for being honest and open--I believe the Lord will honor you for that--and being real is a ministry in itself!
I can relate to so much of what you said, and to the comment by HDG. I find myself struggling with my spiritual and physical diet (too much sugar in the latter), and I know I'm not doing what I'm supposed to do, and I know (from experience with my broken elbow) that I can accomplish much more if I discipline myself. But I also struggle with legalism, and spiritual things become too routine-y for me, at times.
I think it's in one of Pauline epistles (can't find it now) that it says God gives the will to walk, as well as the way we are to walk. That is key, I think, to the rug being pulled out from under my excuses.
I agree with your mom--keep writing! You are doing a great job. The enemy wants you to be discouraged, but God is on Your side and you are more than a conqueror with Him!
Love,
Selena - 12/5/10, 9:35 AM
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