This is post number three of a five-post story about Relationship with Self for a series on Biblical Relationships. This picks up from where Tuesday left off.

So, I was unhappy and talked about how much God hated me. I genuinely felt like either He'd messed up while making me, or had done it on purpose to make me miserable.

My parents responded with a lot of love without making a big deal about it-- they gave some and required some. I still had to wear dresses for nice events and church, but I was allowed to play sports. My mom let me shop in the boys' side of the Kid's Gap, but also bought me make-up. I told an aunt several times that I would get married-- if I ever did-- in a hockey jersey. She always tried to talk me out of it, but my mom never said much about declarations like this.

My parents didn't take me to psychologists or insist on buying girly toys. I remember them reminding me that I was a girl even if I didn't like it, and that God loved me, but it never went much further than that. They didn't ban me from "gender inappropriate pretend play."

I wasn't romantically attracted to other girls. I was infatuated by men and masculinity-- I largely disregarded and despised women and couldn't stand the idea that I was one. My perception of myself, along with my discomfort with my own body, didn't lessen until I was around 12 and a major family event distracted me from my constant introspection, and didn't really change until I was 17 and rededicated my life to Christ. And that was also preceded by a lot of junk and depression (though those things weren't specifically related to gender).

I love being a woman now. I see value in myself and other women. I don't mind the occasional dress and I like to look cute. I'm glad I'm not the man in my marriage.

But I still like shorts, I never wear make-up or put "gunk" in my hair. I still prefer sneakers to "cute" shoes. I no longer wish I was a boy, but I'm not super "girly" either. But I am content with who I am after hating myself for years.

I told my mom while we were talking about this that I was grateful that I didn't grow up with doctors always giving me the impression that something was "wrong" with me or my brain.

I also said, and believe, that a lot of my discontent and unhappiness with my biological gender was wrapped up in rebellion and an incredibly low self-worth. My perception of myself didn't really change until I both accepted Christ's love for me and truly began to view myself the way He saw me. I have a St. Augustine quote tacked up on my wall that goes, "Thou hast made us for thyself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it finds its rest in thee." I was restless apart from Christ.

Check back tomorrow for the next, and last, part of the story! Friday will be the final post-- an interview with my mom.


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This is part of a two week series on Biblical Relationships that I'm doing with a network of bloggers! Check out their daily (or almost-daily!) posts on Biblical Relationships at these links!

This is continuing a five-part story about Relationship with Self for a Biblical Relationships series. This is post two, but the proper start of my story-- the previous post mostly served as introduction to gender dysphoria and issues with gender.

First, let me say that I am a happy, content, unrepressed woman. I love being a mom, having boobs, being married to a man, and more. This is not a coming out story. This is a story about an angry child whose parents raised her with a lot of grace, love, and understanding-- and crazy amounts of wisdom.

From the earliest times I can remember, I was upset that I wasn't a boy. For me, it went beyond mere tomboyishness. I said upset-- furious would be more accurate. I cried a lot between the ages of four and nine: when I was told I was a girl, when I was reminded of it, when I had to wear dresses or pink, when I couldn't play football.

I did play t-ball, soccer, basketball, softball, and ice hockey. I begged to be allowed to join the boys' Wednesday night classes at church instead of the girls' ones. My friends were mostly boys-- I avoided the girls, with only a few exceptions.

I was obsessed with ninjas, sports cards, and Batman (my fifth birthday party was Batman-themed). I hated dolls. When I'd play pretend with friends, I was always a boy. I begged my parents to let me change my name, to call me something else ("Alex" was my preference).

I kept my hair as short as they would let me. My aunt usually cried while cutting it, and I would cry because she wasn't cutting it short enough. I wore baseball caps almost constantly and never corrected people who mistook me for a boy. I had one hockey coach's assistant who went several practice sessions before finding out I was a girl. I intentionally fooled friend's visiting relatives when I was ten.

I wore boy's shorts, boy's shoes, and cried (again) every year for years when I wasn't allowed to buy swim trunks. I was mad that I couldn't pee standing up.

One incident related to that last confession was so weird and drastic even for me that I was deeply ashamed of it and didn't even tell anyone about it until this year: When I was six, I made myself a penis out of paper, contact paper, and orange crayon. My plan was to wear it all the time. I abandoned the plan after my first attempt to use it to pee resulted in a huge mess all over the bathroom.

I have happy memories of my childhood, but this discontent was a large, daily part of life for me. It was not a six-month phase-- this was ages three through 16.

I told my mom that God had messed up, that He hated me and had made a mistake or was punishing me. I told her these things often. "I was supposed to be a boy!" was a mantra.

Check back tomorrow for the next part!



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This is part of a two week series on Biblical Relationships that I'm doing with a network of bloggers! Check out their daily (or almost-daily!) posts on Biblical Relationships at these links!

I've recently joined a blogging group and our very first project is a two-week series on Biblical Relationships. I have a lot of totally different things to share over the next ten week days, but this week is primarily going to be about one thing: Relationship with Self.

I wrote this out as one long post and I'm breaking it up into four, plus a day that's just an interview with my mom. I had started thinking about this topic totally apart from the blogging project when I read a post over at The American Conservative, from Rod Dreher. His post is here. In the post, he links to a Washington Post article titled "Transgender at Five."

I recommend reading them if you have the time, but if not, I'll briefly summarize: The article is about a family dealing with a very young child who is diagnosed with gender dysphoria and, though born a female, begins preschool life as a male-- this includes registration as a boy for school and gymnastics, a short haircut, a new name, etc. The parents discuss issues that they haven't had to deal with yet, but may have to in the future, such as hormone repression during puberty and hormone therapy afterward.

When I read both of those things a few weeks ago, my first reaction was to post a comment on Rod Dreher's post. My iPod was giving me trouble so I ended up deciding I had too much to say in a mere comment anyway. It needed it's own post-- I needed to write a full post (or two, or three) about it-- and I thought it fit well into this Biblical Relationships series.

Gender dysphoria is the name given to a condition diagnosed by psychologists and doctors in those people with a profound discontent with their natural (i.e., biological) gender. Very young children are being diagnosed with this and are labeled "transgender."

I was never diagnosed with gender dysphoria as a child, and cannot say for certain I would have been, but I strongly identified with the child in the Washington Post story. The article made me think about things I hadn't thought of in years. I'll post the first part of the things it brought to mind on Tuesday.

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This is part of a two week series on Biblical Relationships that I'm doing with a network of bloggers! Check out their daily (or almost-daily!) posts on Biblical Relationships at these links!

Tomorrow begins a two-week series on Biblical Relationships that I'm doing with a network of bloggers! Check out their daily (or almost-daily!) posts on Biblical Relationships at these links! My first post, on Relationship with Self, goes up tomorrow!

Charli, a good friend and chauffeur (just kidding! :-P ) of mine, tagged me on her blog and it sounded fun, so I'm going to play. Mostly.

So, hi everybody! I was reading back over some older blog posts and thought I'd give some updates:

Yesterday, in church, Adam and I attended the young married's group Sunday School. We've recently started a new study series and it's been taking Adam and I a bit of time to warm up to the guy's speaking style (we're watching DVDs). He's definitely winning us over (or rather, the truth in his words is), but sometimes his word choice throws me off. That's a good thing.