The other evening, Adam and I were talking about our dating relationship before we got married and he mentioned that by the time we were dating, he was seriously and honestly committed to his faith in Christ. He was choosing to behave and speak a certain way because he really felt he should, not because it was a set of rules his parents or church expected him to follow. And then he said, "But it scares me how easy a lot of that would have been to fake, and how often that happens to people."

We ended up talking about that idea specifically relating to how guys behave in dating relationships, but I've been thinking about it more and more today and it really works both ways. So, I wanted to type some of what we talked about up for my siblings.

I have six siblings, all younger, and only one is married. Four of the others are old enough (by my parents' standards) to date. This is for you guys-- and our youngest brother, for when he gets to this point.

Dear Guire Kids,

There are few controllable things more important to your continued development into a Christ-like person than choosing the right spouse. You're making a commitment for life and while you will certainly face all kinds of decisions and situations you don't have much of a say in, this is one of the few areas of your life where you get this much voice. So, making sure that you're marrying somebody that is interested and invested in you becoming who Christ wants you to be is pretty serious.

I spent my teenage and college years watching friends date other Christians-- kids who came to youth group, volunteered to pray out loud, led worship, showed up for events and Fine Arts-- and sometimes it seemed obvious that something was wrong, other times not. But here are some things worth watching for-- things that are easy to notice in people you don't like very much, but a lot harder to see if you really, really like the person. They're also worth examining in YOU, to see if you're who you say you are.

Caveat: this isn't a definitive list and people aren't perfect. Weigh these things; don't expect to find someone who never screws up, but don't disregard them either. Be careful if you find yourself constantly making excuses for someone. That said:

1. How do they treat people when they're upset?

Not just you-- siblings, friends, people they don't like very much. Especially in the first few months of a dating relationship, it's a lot easier to be nice to the person you're dating even when you don't feel like it. But how do they treat people they've known for years? If they're rude and inconsiderate to siblings and family and old friends, and not apologetic about it or putting out any effort to change, remember that in another five years, you will start to be that old friend or family.

2. How do they talk about their parents?

Some people have crappy parents, no lie. Sometimes people need to vent. But if your dating partner is consistently complaining about, arguing with, and disrespectful toward their parents, expect that to be you in another ten years. That behavior will rub off on you, flavor and sour your relationship with your own parents, AND is likely to be how you're being treated. The dating person who seems incapable of honoring a parent and complaining to you constantly about it is probably going to find a friend to complain to about YOU as soon as they feel like it.

3. How do they handle being treated unfairly?

Sometimes, we're just misunderstood or people believe rumors or scold before they know all the details. But someone honestly trying to develop into a mature Christian, someone being led by the Spirit, will not habitually badmouth authority or other people even when they aren't being treated well (I'm not talking about actual abuse here). If the person you're dating can't ever say anything nice about their youth group leader, boss, teacher, etc.-- or even if they just don't know when to keep their mouth shut-- be careful. How we talk about those in authority does affect our reputation and our witness, even if most of the people around us agree with us.

4. Can they handle criticism or correction?

Are you with the sort of person who can be confronted in love by you or someone else? I'm not talking about how they handle you or anyone else snapping, "Well, you're being a jerk," when both of you are already mad. I mean, can they handle being told they were behaving the wrong way or do they always get defensive and never apologize? You should look for someone who can hear, "You shouldn't treat your mom like that," or "I know it's tough right now, but how can you choose to let God use this for good?" without becoming distant, emotionally manipulative, or whiny about it. If you don't feel like you can say this sort of stuff ("we're not close enough yet!") then why are you dating someone you can't even be friends with? Good friends should be able to do this for each other.

5. Are they willing to confront you?

There might be a lot of times when you're the one screwing up. Are you with somebody who is willing to challenge you and give you some tough love? Or do they always indulge your pity parties, your rotten attitudes, your mistreatment of others? It's a valuable friend that knows when to listen to you vent and when to tell you to get over yourself and pay a bit more attention to what God is working in your life instead of just how you feel about it. Also, can they confront in love? It's a learned skill, but beware of somebody who is ALWAYS confronting you, challenging you, belittling you, or generally making you feel like crap. Hold out for something better.

This is already long so I'll wrap it up there. I might add other thoughts later, though. To sum all this up, look for the fruits. We will know Christians by their love-- showing up for Bible studies, raising hands in worship, and talking about Jesus are all good things but mean very little if attitudes and behavior are consistently selfish and unloving. People need grace, but you deserve better than missionary-dating a Christian who has no desire to change. Don't waste weeks or months and risk a lifetime on someone who is faking it. What fruit does their life bear? What does yours?

Today, I'm writing about Relationship with Future. I have a really rosy relationship with my future-- after years of struggling with dread as a teenager, I can pretty much say that I'm an optimist. I mean, I struggle with the occasional worry about something happening to Adam or my kids, but as far as "five-year-plan" future goes, it looks good to me.

Adam is in grad school and money has been tight for all of our marriage. Fortunately, we went into marriage with the expectation that it would be. Now he's in the last summer of school and we're approaching another expectation of mine: he will finish and get a job with a good salary. An "I went to school for 6+ years for this" salary.

I'm not very worried about this not happening, to be honest. I can't imagine anyone not wanting to hire Adam-- he's so smart and hardworking. More than that, I just trust that God has a good job for Adam.

I won't lie. I'm looking forward to times I assume are in our future. I'm looking forward to being able to spend $10 without it being a big deal. And therein lies the problem.

I've realized that I fall into the trap of looking forward to the future with hope for the wrong reasons. Because, I assume, money won't be as tight, I'll be even happier, less stressed, less tempted to reside in worry. And before I know what I'm doing, I've envisioned this future where I'm leaving Target after a spur-of-the-moment shopping spree and I'm somehow a more disciplined, patient, contented, loving person.

But it won't happen that way. I have the potential to be those things, but only if I'm willing to learn how to be them now-- and having more money and a larger budget won't make them happen.

If I develop a habit of stress now, I will be stressed later. If I wait until I have a bigger house to be disciplined to clean it, I will have a filthy house-- now and later.

On the other hand, if I learn to be content and refuse to dwell in stress, I will be more Christ-like now. If Adam makes more money, I will be more generous with it, rather than treating it like my security.

We have a home now. We have never gone hungry. We do not have a single need that Christ has ever failed to meet. My future is secure because it rests in Him, not because of a larger budget. The budget isn't a guarantee, but Christ is. I have a longing in my heart for the future, but I must train my eyes and heart to focus properly-- on Heaven with Jesus. That is a hope that is not misplaced.

What about you? Do you dread the future? Do you hope for it? Do you fall into the trap of thinking that if you can just get "there," in another year or two, everything will be better?



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This is part of a two week series on Biblical Relationships that I'm doing with a network of bloggers! Check out their daily (or almost-daily!) posts on Biblical Relationships at these links!

This is the final post in the Relationship with Self part of the Biblical Relationships series. This is an interview, done via email, with my mom, Kathleen Guire, about the issues I had with gender while growing up. My questions are in italics and her answers are presented with only minimal proofreading. If you haven't read the previous posts from this series, I strongly recommend doing so! Start with Monday of this week.


Interview with Kathleen Guire:


1. Did you ever feel like there was something wrong with me? Did it scare you? Why or why not?

Most of the time I didn’t but I had sporadic doubts especially after spending time with friends and family who put seeds of doubt in my mind.  It was hard to think something was wrong with you because you were so full of life, so determined and the boy-wanna-be didn’t dominate everything.  It was a layer on top of you for awhile.  I could see YOU and all of your gifts and talents shining through even when you micro-focused on being a boy.
You seemed to have a strong sense of who you were in your core being.


2. What kind of response did you get from friends and family about the way I dressed and behaved?

Most people thought it was strange that I let you dress the way you did and wear your hair short.  My family chided me.  My sister Anne fought with me, you and wept every time we went to her shop for haircuts.  You whispered to her that you wanted a buzz cut.  She called me up to the chair and cried when she told me that she wasn’t going to cut your hair that short. It amazed me that she had this reaction.  She was a flannel-shirt-jeans-wearing tomboy when she was young.  You cried when you didn’t get your way.  I stood in as peace maker and helped find a compromise, no buzzing, just a cute bob. [Audrey’s note: I remember never being happy about this compromise at the time, but only being occasionally frustrated about hair length in the interim between haircuts.]


3. Did you ever worry that you were somehow responsible for how I felt?

No, I learned during your infancy that you had a determined spirit, this was just one more test of it.  I knew you weren’t miserable all the time.  You were a happy girl and loved to play, along with attempting to run the universe.  I saw your clothing choices and your refusal to be girlie as being independent in a flesh-indulging manner.  


4. One of the earliest stories about me rejecting “girl toys” was so early that it’s not even a memory for me. Talk about the incident at my 3rd birthday.

When you were three years old, someone who didn’t know you very well got you a barbie as a gift.  When you opened it, you looked at it and said, “A Barbie?  I don’t want this, you can have it Joanna,” and you handed it to her. [Audrey’s note: Joanna is still a best friend of mine, and hopefully not just because of that Barbie.]


5. What made you decide to let me wear boys’ clothes? Did it bother Dad? How and where did you draw the line?
You felt strongly about it.  I didn’t think it was that big of a deal for you to be a tomboy.  I made you wear dresses when it was appropriate, even if you pitched a fit- Easter, Christmas, etc.  I drew the line at boy’s underwear. [Audrey’s note: I only vaguely remember this part, but I apparently asked for them frequently.]


6. Did you worry that I was always miserable?

No.  You weren’t always miserable.  When you were involved in one of your self-made projects- making a movie and interviewing neighborhood kids to be in it, writing stories or scripts, playing in the backyard, riding your bike- you were full of energy and life.  It didn’t matter then that you wanted to be a boy (so you said), your core being was shining through and you had a blast.


7. What things did I say that bothered you the most?

God made a mistake.  Fortunately, I did not believe that and knew you liked to say things for shock value.  Parents sometimes focus on statements kids say about their sexuality and blow it out of proportion, what about when kids say, “God should have made me thin, short, blue-eyed, light skinned, dark skinned, not have a disease or learning disability?”  I used to tell my mother that God hated me because he made me a redheaded, spindly legged, freckle-faced girl.  Kids made fun of me because of my physical attributes so I thought they were right and God must be wrong.  My mother set me straight.


8. Were you ever worried that I would decide I was lesbian or transsexual? 

Only when I listened to the wrong people who thought I was crazy for letting you wear boy shorts and play hockey.


9. How did you pray for me? 

I prayed for you the same way I prayed for all of my children.  I prayed the prayers in Ephesians 1 and 3.  I prayed that God would show you the height and depth and width of His love.  I prayed that you would become a woman of God.  I didn’t focus all kinds of prayer on the matter of you wanting to be a boy until some friends pressured me to pray for you about it. It was at a prayer meeting.  Your father was very upset when I told him what we had prayed for. We both thought you were a wonderful kid with oodles of talent and a bright future.  We weren’t overly concerned about your tomboyish ways.  Other people were.


My dad, at my mom's request, added his thoughts:


I didn’t think there was anything wrong with you being a tomboy.  I grew up in the country where girls wore overalls until they were teens and started caring about the way they looked.  I think you wanted to do boy things to be like me, I was gone a lot and it was a point of connection for you. You were also influenced by your friends who were boys; you wanted to dress like them and play like them- Brock, Joey and Cory.




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This is part of a two week series on Biblical Relationships that I'm doing with a network of bloggers! Check out their daily (or almost-daily!) posts on Biblical Relationships at these links!

This is post four, and the last part of a story about Relationship with Self for a series on Biblical Relationships. The final post, tomorrow's, will be an interview with my mom. This story is about my childhood struggle with my gender. Picking up from yesterday:

My identity crisis, even from a young age, was wrapped up not in abuse or poor role models or absent parents or exposure to the wrong media, but rather in an innate understanding of how wretched I was apart from Christ, in trying to have a happy identity apart from Him. My struggle with my gender was not a struggle with sexual sin, but a struggle with the very nature of sin within me.

I would haven't put it in so many words at a young age-- I lacked the understanding, even if the teaching about sin and Christ's sacrifice was always around me. I just knew I hated myself and my gender was the biggest part of me to hate-- so I assumed that it must be the reason I was miserable. Jeremiah 17 says "the heart is deceitful above all else." And my heart was confused without the understanding that comes from the grace of God.

I didn't know what I wanted or needed, but my parents swinging to one extreme or another would have been disastrous for me. If they had tried to repress every un-girly desire or if they had indulged every whim, it would have gotten me into a confusing mess for years. I needed the grace of God to stop fleeing from who He had made me as an entire person, to recognize those parts of myself that I hated were not my "girl parts," but my sinful tendencies that kept me from Him. Those parts that were truly making me miserable were the very parts that He actually did want to change, to work a new creation. I didn't need a penis; I needed a Savior. I'm thankful beyond words that He found me and I found Him and for the life I have today.

This is part of my story. This was a lot of my childhood. What's yours? Have you ever confused your sinful nature with some other part of you? Is it corrupting or marring or skewing your relationship with self?

Tomorrow, the interview!


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This is part of a two week series on Biblical Relationships that I'm doing with a network of bloggers! Check out their daily (or almost-daily!) posts on Biblical Relationships at these links!

This is post number three of a five-post story about Relationship with Self for a series on Biblical Relationships. This picks up from where Tuesday left off.

So, I was unhappy and talked about how much God hated me. I genuinely felt like either He'd messed up while making me, or had done it on purpose to make me miserable.

My parents responded with a lot of love without making a big deal about it-- they gave some and required some. I still had to wear dresses for nice events and church, but I was allowed to play sports. My mom let me shop in the boys' side of the Kid's Gap, but also bought me make-up. I told an aunt several times that I would get married-- if I ever did-- in a hockey jersey. She always tried to talk me out of it, but my mom never said much about declarations like this.

My parents didn't take me to psychologists or insist on buying girly toys. I remember them reminding me that I was a girl even if I didn't like it, and that God loved me, but it never went much further than that. They didn't ban me from "gender inappropriate pretend play."

I wasn't romantically attracted to other girls. I was infatuated by men and masculinity-- I largely disregarded and despised women and couldn't stand the idea that I was one. My perception of myself, along with my discomfort with my own body, didn't lessen until I was around 12 and a major family event distracted me from my constant introspection, and didn't really change until I was 17 and rededicated my life to Christ. And that was also preceded by a lot of junk and depression (though those things weren't specifically related to gender).

I love being a woman now. I see value in myself and other women. I don't mind the occasional dress and I like to look cute. I'm glad I'm not the man in my marriage.

But I still like shorts, I never wear make-up or put "gunk" in my hair. I still prefer sneakers to "cute" shoes. I no longer wish I was a boy, but I'm not super "girly" either. But I am content with who I am after hating myself for years.

I told my mom while we were talking about this that I was grateful that I didn't grow up with doctors always giving me the impression that something was "wrong" with me or my brain.

I also said, and believe, that a lot of my discontent and unhappiness with my biological gender was wrapped up in rebellion and an incredibly low self-worth. My perception of myself didn't really change until I both accepted Christ's love for me and truly began to view myself the way He saw me. I have a St. Augustine quote tacked up on my wall that goes, "Thou hast made us for thyself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it finds its rest in thee." I was restless apart from Christ.

Check back tomorrow for the next, and last, part of the story! Friday will be the final post-- an interview with my mom.


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This is part of a two week series on Biblical Relationships that I'm doing with a network of bloggers! Check out their daily (or almost-daily!) posts on Biblical Relationships at these links!