Today, I was staring in my fridge trying to decide how to heat up stuff for lunch. We had raw, diced up potatoes from home fries last night and shredded cooked chicken left over from drumsticks. I opened the cabinet to see what we had that I could add because I wasn't really in the mood for home fries again or to stand there for thirty minutes to make fried hash browns (I would have had to do two batches). There was some taco seasoning and I ended up throwing this together and it was SO GOOD. It did take an hour to cook, so in the future, it'll probably be a dinner or something mixed in advance.

Also, forgot to take pictures. :/ Bummer.

And just realized, you could totally do this without chicken. Add another veggie (like corn), or serve it as a side with just the potatoes, or add a can of pinto beans!

In the elementary school years — what we commonly think of as grades one through four — the mind is ready to absorb information. Children at this age actually find memorization fun. So during this period, education involves not self-expression and self-discovery, but rather the learning of facts. Rules of phonics and spelling, rules of grammar, poems, the vocabulary of foreign languages, the stories of history and literature, descriptions of plants and animals and the human body, the facts of mathematics — the list goes on.

We've been going over the boys' full names and address with them for practice recently and last night at dinner, we reviewed all the names in our family for fun. I thought I'd see how much of their address they remembered.

Me: What's your address? Do you remember?

Sam: Um... Batman!


Yes, son. We have taught you well.

Socialization is the second thing people always ask me about when we're talking about homeschooling (the first is algebra). It's a big concern for people. My feelings on it are, I suppose, pretty strong. I think that instead of just telling you that homeschoolers can and do socialize and the ways in which they do, I'm think I'm going to go over some of the underlying concern that prompts that question. I'm going to tell you what I actually hear when people ask about socialization, and if you have other concerns or think I'm wrong, just tell me!

1. "I'm afraid that my kids will be freaks and no one will like them."

2. "I'm afraid my kids will be so awkward they won't have friends."

3. "I'm afraid my kids will be so shy they won't be able to get jobs."

4. "My kids love their friends and I'm afraid they'll hate me for taking them away from that."

5. "My kid is a social butterfly and I'm afraid he'll suffocate at home."

Do those sound about right? I'm not making fun of them-- they're real concerns. Being socially crippled is lonely. Healthy parents usually don't want that for their child. You should think and work through those concerns and make your decision based not on fear, but on wisdom and understanding.

Here's the thing:

Public school does not equal socialization.

Did you read that? It's true. Think about your own school days. I'm guessing you can think of plenty of kids who seemed socially awkward despite being in public or private schools their entire lives. The idea that homeschooling, in and of itself, creates socially awkward kids is a myth.

Can over-sheltering and cutting kids off from relationships create awkward kids? Sure. But that's more of a family thing, not a school thing. I'm guessing that if you're reading this and concerned about socialization, you're not going to regularly turn down play-dates or opportunities for your kids to be around other kids. You're going to make sure they have chances to see friends. Church, for one, is a great place for that. So are homeschool groups.

Let's look at that again:

Public school does not equal socialization.

Public schools foster a bullying atmosphere in which kids are hyper-sensitive to each other's differences in an effort to weed out the "unlike" parts and fit in. Kids like things that are familiar-- they like things and other kids to be like them. Even mild social shunning has an impact on kids and teachers in public schools cannot and should not be expected to micro-manage children's interactions. You tell me that your five- and seven-year-old can't get along all afternoon and you don't know what to do? Then don't expect your kids' teacher to manage the social interactions of thirty different kids while also teaching them. It's not fair to the teacher.

Do eight-year-olds know better? Maybe not, after all. And this is why public schools do not equal socialization.

Socialization is learning to get along with both your peers and those outside of your peer group. Do you want your child to have productive and beneficial conversations or interactions with their friends and their grandparents? With you and their siblings' friends?

An analogy I mentioned to my mom the other day is that of cooking. You would not reasonably expect a young child to become a good cook by putting them in a kitchen with lots of only other young kids. They will not, in most circumstances, take the ingredients and tools at their disposal and start cooking well. They might manage to eat enough flour and plain fruit to stay alive, sure, but it's not going to be that great for them or really equip them with cooking skills.

How does a child learn to cook? By cooking with someone who already knows how.

Children learn to be healthily socialized in the same way, by learning alongside someone who knows how to socialize. That means watching you-- their parent-- interact with them, with siblings, with the other parent, with the cashier at the grocery store, with a friend, with a mentor. This means getting practice by interacting with their siblings, with you, with a gentleman at the nursing home, with your friends, with their own friends.

They will learn how to be gracious and kind in conversation by watching and hearing you. They will learn by getting that practice with your supervision. Am I advocating that your children never have time with friends away from you and your direct watching eye and listening ear? Of course not. They have to grow up. But this means that the transition period to handling those interactions with wisdom and grace on their own will include you nearby, to prompt and admonish and correct. And I, for one, do not think that this particular kind of wisdom and grace is present in most six-year-olds. If you think it's lacking in most adults nowadays, consider how many of them grew up being socialized in public school?

Is public school the devil? No, of course not. But socialization is often held up by potential homeschoolers or homeschooling opponents as the field most likely to suffer by "keeping kids at home." And every argument against keeping kids at home assumes that the public school offers the best socialization education available and that, at least in this particular field, homeschoolers will have to struggle to keep up.

Which brings us to another aspect of the concern about awkwardness. What if your child is willing to talk to others, capable of talking to others, but is perceived as weird by those around him?

I would argue that kids that have social grace and are still perceived as weird are often labeled such because they are passionate about something that isn't mainstream. They're the kids that love to talk about civil war history or juggling or weather reports or current events in the Middle East. But you know what? Those kids may suffer a bit for their "weirdness," but they are far more likely to find authentic friendship in shared interests than merely having lives populated by acquaintances, even if those friendships don't number as many, and also to be active in job fields or hobbies they are genuinely excited about.

There's a huge belief these days that most of America operates in that one "finds" oneself in college or immediately after. There is, indeed, a period of time for most kids in which they grow to learn things about themselves regardless of background around this point in their lives.

But after being a high school student, a college student, and a post-college graduate, and hundreds of conversations with countless people (not exactly a scientific study, but bear with me), I would say that most of this "finding yourself" business is a result of hundreds of thousands of high school graduates entering college every year with absolutely no idea what they like. There are some who make it through the system without this problem, but I'd guess it's a one to five ratio? And those "ones" were usually the weird kids.

The other kids spent at least the past four years, if not the past twelve, squelching interests or passions that didn't line up with the mainstream, in a system that purports to celebrate individuality. Sure, they might have joined clubs and activities they actually enjoyed, but most of them find out pretty quickly that excited and passionate talking about something only you and one or two other people are interested in gets you labeled as weird.

Why does homeschooling work a bit better in this regard? Because you, the parent, have the opportunity to make an effort to get your kids connected with kids that share interests, instead of just who they happen to be lumped in a classroom with based on district. Because most elementary school kids, removed from the scorn of other kids toward learning, are excited about learning. They will talk to other scorn-free kids and connect with them and by the time they hit high school, they are often confident enough in the validity of their own passions and a few cultivated friendships that either, as introverts, they are content to remain with their circle of friends or, as extroverts, their cheerful confidence draws other kids hungry for friendship to them.

This post is long and it's clearly something I'm passionate about. That might seem a little weird to you (haha, joke-- um, or maybe not). But even if you don't agree with my reasons-- even if you fiercely disagree with them-- take time to think about why you think the public school system provides better socialization. What exactly, do you think the classroom model accomplishes? What time do (or would) your children have that their socialization would be encouraged rather than punished for being disruptive? Lunch? Recess? Bus ride? Thinking about exactly what you expect the school to provide may help you more clearly see the ways that it is actually failing to meet those goals, or conversely, even some ways that you might actually want to emulate it.

But please, take time to get past what you've always been told the school does for kids and think about what it is actually doing, good or bad. Especially when it comes to socialization.

Speaking of socializing, do you want to come hang out with us and ask some questions? You're welcome to come to our Homeschool Q&A at Trinity Assembly of God, this Saturday (April 27th) from 10am-noon. Coffee, tea, and water will be provided, feel free to bring your kids and your own snack. If you're on Facebook, you can RSVP here and get a reminder from FB about the event. Otherwise, feel free to email me or just show up!

And, while you're at it, check out these ladies and what they have to say about socialization today:

The boys are used to watching shows streaming on amazon or Netflix. If things take a second to start, we tell them, "Be patient, it's loading."

Tonight we were doing our bedtime routine, which includes singing two or three songs. Théoden requested "Blessed Assurance" and Adam asked him if he wanted to start singing.

We sat there for about thirty seconds and Adam prompted, "Théoden?"

Théoden answered, "It's loading?"

The boys were talking about Adam's hair and beard this morning while munching on hashbrowns. Adam decided to introduce a concept (growth) and I think it went in a different direction than we were expecting.

Adam: Baby Lucy has hair. She didn't when she was born and now she does.

Sam: (incredulous) Lucy was born?

Adam: Yes.

Sam: Like baby Jesus?

Adam: Yes! And so were you.

Sam: (with an "I know you're joking" giggle) No!

My biggest frustration! This is part of the homeschool blog hop I'm doing with several other lovely ladies. Check the end of the post for links to their blogs! I'm posting rather late in the day, but writing anyway!

I feel, unfortunately, like I'm an easily frustrated person in some regards, so this list could be long for me. It's hard for me to quantify levels of frustration to determine "biggest." So, maybe instead of that, I will go over a couple frustrations that seem to take turns being the biggest, dependent on mood and day. Feel free to share this with family/friends who keep asking you about homeschooling, by the way, heh.

Let's go into this list with a few things understood, just in case this is the first blog post of mine you're reading. First, I was homeschooled from third grade through high school. I "was" a homeschooler before I was a homeschool "teacher." I have three kids and they're all two or under, so our "school" right now is super basic stuff. I'm not dealing with algebra or science fairs or SAT prep yet. Also, I talk to people about homeschooling a lot and I grew up in a decently supportive church community, but in a time when there were only a few of us and we were still by-and-large considered mostly weird. Some of (not all!) that stigma is fading a bit in this particular area, partly because it's a lot easier to find lots of other homeschoolers to talk to. Anyway, my family and few homeschooling friends were a curiosity to people, which meant I spent a lot of time talking exactly about what I did.

Let's just call this confessions of a homeschooler and use that previous paragraph to segway into this list:

1. I understand that you're curious, but I am not being homeschooled because I am (a) a genius or (b) too stupid for "normal" school. Please ask me how I do school or what my day is like, but please don't (a) pop-quiz me to make sure I can read or (b) assume that you must seem stupid to me because I'm too smart for you. Also, this same grace for my kids, please, now that I'm the mom instead of the student.

Here's the thing: my parents care a lot about me. And even if you've met that one weird family that didn't seem to feel like actually educating their kids was important, that's not very common. It was really important to my parents that I do well in school. It's important to me that my kids are learning. And in addition to that, there actually are oversight laws in place, so someone outside my family is keeping tabs on my year-end test grades or my work portfolio.

And homeschool doesn't and will not cover all bases at once or the same pace. Public and private schools don't either. It's not perfect, but that doesn't mean it's terrible.

That said, I think there's a growing understanding that homeschooling works and that it has a real educational value. Which leads into the other half of this frustration, which is the pendulum swing ("Oh, you aren't stupid, so you must be crazy-smart").

Maybe I am smart. I'd like to think so. I love learning. I love talking to people. But you know what? I hated math when I was younger. I don't mind it now and would like to get better at it, but as of this moment, I'm pretty terrible at algebra or anything past basic geometry. I just am. This was not a homeschool thing. This was a me thing. Science is not my strong point, despite having two parents that loved math and science and taught it pretty well, as evidenced by the success my siblings have had in the same fields I disliked.

And in high school this assumption was especially frustrating. I had friends that would cut themselves off from entire conversations with me because they "weren't homeschooled" or "didn't get it." And you know what? Darn it, I don't get it either, and that's why I want to talk about it. Homeschoolers need some breathing room to not be THE BEST AT EVERYTHING just because they're excited about stuff. Give your kids that space. Give your grandkids that space. Give your neighbors that space. Please.

2. Comparison. A few other of the blog hop moms wrote about this and it's so true. When I compare myself to what other moms of preschoolers are doing, I feel inadequate regardless of how well my kids are doing. I'm not spending too much time on this point because others have written about it so well and because for the purposes of this post, it's pretty self-explanatory.

3. Being with my kids all day.

Not gonna lie. Being with toddlers all day is exhausting sometimes. I'm there for every fit, every meltdown, everything. They throw stuff out of my grocery cart. They stare at my pee in the toilet and talk about it. They scream when I tell them they can't play my iPod. I want to let them help me make dinner and they want to help me make dinner but they keep licking the measuring spoons and trying to stir this raw chicken with the whisk while I'm cutting it.

I hesitated to put this point on here because some people might misunderstand and think I feel trapped at home. I don't. I love being with my kids all day. I love being here to read to them, to talk to them, to be present for so much of them learning and exploring and hearing stuff they say to their toy animals like, "Hi, owl. Owl, you have eyes. Are you sad? Why you sad? You have eyes. You have wings. You can fly! Owl you can fly!"

But there are moments when I want to get away for a bit. And I think that's okay to admit. A lot of times, it means that I actually need sleep or more time with God and not really a chance to do whatever I want. That's not realistic even if my kids aren't around.

I love my kids. And there are moments in my rough days when I don't want to be around them for a while. I'm homeschooling because my husband and I decided together that it was the best thing for us and not because I am a saint, because I have unlimited patience, because my kids never get on my nerves and that's how I manage, because I've figured it all out already. Talk to any homeschooler long enough, and you'll eventually hear that every single parent has uttered some variation of, "THE BUS WILL PICK YOU UP IN THE MORNING I AM DONE."

What we're really saying is: I'm tired. You are being difficult. I am probably being difficult. We are frustrated. We will figure this out by the grace of God. I still love you but I am still learning how to love.

4. Self.

Oh, flesh. I hate you. You sweet-talk me into doing things for myself that I "deserve" and they are not what I really need or want and before I know it, I'm standing in Eden with that fruit in my hand, torn between still enjoying the taste in my mouth and the sinking feeling in my gut that God is going to show up for our walk soon, calling, "Adam, where are you?"

5. Expectations.

This is maybe also wrapped up in point one, but I guess I think of that point more in relation to my own experience as a homeschooled student interacting with others and this one is more about my life as a mom interacting with my kids. It's hard to find a balance for what I should expect of my kids. It's difficult to sort out all the "should" and "shouldn'ts" for where they actually are and where they "need" to be.

They should be able to, they should know better than to, they should, they should, they should.

Here is the thing that is hard to remember: I should expect them to grow and I shouldn't expect them to do so in a way that doesn't surprise or challenge me.

I was laughing with a friend the other day about the ridiculousness of yelling "STOP YELLING" at your kids. And I think that rule can be applied to just about anything. If it's taken me this long to figure out basic stuff and I'm still working on things like "do not speak harshly when upset," then my expectations for my kids' behavior and learning pace should be full of grace. Parents have a natural desire to see their kids do "better" than them. This can be healthy. But doing "better" isn't going to be achieved by lots of moaning about where they "should" be instead of figuring out the wisest way to handle where they actually are.

Here is an Occam's Razor for learning challenges and using therapy or extra time to help a child, one I'm learning is still true for my husband and I as well:

If it helps, it helps. If it doesn't, it doesn't.

No shoulds about it.

(Wow this post is already super long.)

6. How easy it is for me to be consumed by homeschooling.

Homeschooling is something I do. It is a big part of my life and I love it. As previously mentioned, I love learning. But it is all too easy to be consumed by the label. It is not my life, it is not my salvation, it is not the entirety of my identity.

I am a follower of Christ. I am also a wife. A mom. A sister. A friend. A witness.

The burden of my children's education in both the faith and academics is such a great one at times that it is hard to stop poring over curriculums and schedules and discussing things and talking about it and step back from it and remember the other parts of my life and not feel guilty for remembering that.

Homeschooling, in some small ways, is to life with your kids as a wedding is to marriage. (Note: I said some small ways. I like analogies I have to fight for.) Under the pressure of getting things "just right," it's easy to get caught up in micromanaging all the details until you get to the day after the wedding and realize that your entire relationship with yourself and your spouse and your life had become wrapped up in that one thing and you're not really sure who you are anymore and don't know what to talk about if it's not math worksheets or what the kids learned today.

Balance. Balance has been a theme here, I guess. I want balance in how I am perceived. I need balance in looking to others as inspiration and looking at them as measuring sticks. I need balance in how I view my kids, the time I spend in preparation.

You know what's easy to balance?

A yoke that isn't heavy. A lot of times, I need to take a deep breath and stop focusing on my frustration.

Matthew 11:28-30:

"'Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.'"

Check out the other blogs! Here: